I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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