you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
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I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
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I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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