I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
