It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
