just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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