as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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