Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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