I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I pour the whiskey from now on
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
