Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
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Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
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Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.