I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
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What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever