i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
