Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
you made out with another girl for some wings
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
