WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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