Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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