I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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