hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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