I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
