garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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