I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
