We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
