On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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