If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
