4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
