It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
