I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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