an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
