I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
