mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
