So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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