Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
