I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
