I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
