I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
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He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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