I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
