There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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