Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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