and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
