As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
