I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
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Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
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This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW