I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!