Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
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Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
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I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.