How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
