i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This couple is walking their pig around campus
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
