it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
