glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
