I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
