i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
