I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
