I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
