at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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