All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
