It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
