I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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