Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
