Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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