My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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