Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
