Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
