a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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