I hope mine doesn't look like that
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
