Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
