it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
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i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
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The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize