3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
