She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
